35 Things I’ve Learned in 35 Years

Thirty-five feels like a big birthday. I’m over a dozen years past my teenage era, feeling a little more stability in my career and sense of self, but still have a lot of learning to do, places I want to visit, and things I want to accomplish/do in my life.

I’ve been reflecting on advice I’ve overheard/been given and lessons I’ve learned, and wanted to share them with you.

Here’s 35 things I’ve learned in 35 years:

1. Be the truest version of yourself. The act of becoming your true self is an ongoing, lifelong process. You only have one life (that we know of), so don’t waste it trying to be someone you’re not.
2. Make the time for the things you enjoy. You have to — otherwise, you won’t do them. And this is what brings you happiness and fulfillment in life.
3. Find ways to laugh more. Laughter really is healing.
4. Treat yourself like a toddler. Pack snacks, drink water, take naps, spend time playing and creating.
5. Call yourself a writer. A poet. An artist. Don’t wait for permission — you are a writer the moment you think of yourself as one, as you practice your craft, as you write the shitty first drafts, as you revise and learn.
6. Be kind. You never know what a coworker, someone next to you on the bus, or the person who just cut you in line at the grocery store is going through.
7. Spend time with family (or chosen family). Call them on the phone, write them letters, visit them. Kids grow up so fast. Your loved ones don’t live forever.
8. Being vulnerable in dating is the only way to find the person who is a good match for you. If you’re not being honest, they are dating a made up person. They can’t read your mind and won’t know when something is bothering you or when you are needing support.
9. Love isn’t the big showy gestures. It’s truly caring, supporting them through all circumstances, working through miscommunication. It’s listening to your partner. It’s patiently showing up as they need you, and asking them to show up as you need them. It’s being comfortable sitting in silence together, doing separate things. It’s not having to question their affection, their love, but knowing that it’s constant, consistent, secure. It’s knowing they’ll be there for you through surgery, through the norovirus, through bouts of depression and anxiety attacks, through your poetry publications, through promotions, and through all the awkward and difficult conversations and social interactions that make up a life.
10. As my Poppop says, invest in yourself first. Build up your savings. Always save for retirement. Learn about investing. Little by little, you can become more financially stable through a mix of luck (privilege), hard work, and patience.
11. Ask for that raise/promotion. No one else will advocate on your behalf, so do it yourself.
12. Learn how to take care of yourself. Do your own laundry, clean your apartment/house, cook your meals, learn financial literacy, figure out how to do basic home maintenance, etc. This will look different for everyone, depending on whether you have a disability, chronic pain, are neurodivergent, etc.
13. Ask for help when you need it. Ask for accommodations if you need them. Don’t let shame, embarrassment, or anything else keep you from seeking out support systems.
14. Practice being present. It’s a muscle you have to exercise. What works some days may not work other days.
15. Invest in friendships that bring you joy. Try to limit your time with people who bring down your mood, soak up your energy, or never ask about how you’re doing.
16. Make regular doctor’s appointments. Get physicals, check-ups, vision tests, hearing tests, teeth cleanings, etc. Healthcare is expensive and a privilege; however, it is vital to regularly check on your vitals.
17. As you move through life, you will make mistakes, have regrets, wish you’d said or did something differently. But recognize that you can be proud of who you are, even as you’re growing.
18. Speak up for yourself. Practice this over and over again.
19. Take breaks. Use your PTO. Go on that vacation. If you don’t create work-life balance, work will overtake you, stress will overwhelm you, and your body will break down and force you to rest. So remember, you don’t need to earn rest — you deserve rest.
20. Invest in your health. It takes work to keep your body in good condition — from movement and exercise, to healthy food, to good sleep hygiene, and more.
21. Loneliness is a part of life. Learn how to sit with it and be comfortable being alone. Engage in a hobby you enjoy, find books or music or movies or TV that lift you up, spend time in nature or your favorite place.
22. Your major and career are a big part of you, but not your entire identity. This can be hard to differentiate.
23. Your timeline is yours, nobody else’s. And timelines can look very different for queer folks and people of other marginalized communities — getting married, having kids, etc. Your college roommate is getting married right after graduation? Your coworker is publishing a book? Your cousin’s art is being exhibited at a local gallery? Your sister is going back to get her master’s? Those are their journeys. Your journey is yours.
24. Be gentle with yourself. Sometimes, you can be your own worst enemy. Pay attention to your self talk and try to shift from negative to more positive. This can take years — maybe even your entire life.
25. Seek out therapy when you’re struggling (ideally, before you’re struggling). Ask for the anti-anxiety meds. Ask for the pain meds. And take them; they don’t do any good sitting in your nightstand drawer.
26. Save memories. This can be photo albums, scrapbooks, writing out little moments on scraps of paper and keeping them in jars, keeping a journal or journaling virtually.
27. Don’t hide yourself. If you find that you have to hide part of your identity, or that you can’t be your full self, or that people say you’re “too much” or too whatever, maybe they’re not people you want to spend time with. You deserve to find people who don’t expect you to hide any part of yourself — who welcome you and accept you wholeheartedly as you are.
28. Listen to when you want to say “yes” and when you want to say “no”.
29. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Don’t bottle them up, shove them down, or ignore them. As my therapist says, feelings come through you like waves — you can’t stop them, you can just observe them and let them build and ebb.
30. Worry less about keeping up with the latest trends or doing what it seems like everyone else is doing. Do what you want to do. Tired and want to leave the party? Head home. Feel too old and wish you’d learned how to play an instrument? Take music lessons.
31. Your partner doesn’t always need you to try to jump in with solutions for everything. Sometimes, they just want to be listened to.
32. One of the best skills to learn are critical reading and media literacy. There is so much misinformation, disinformation, scams, phishing, and fraud. Especially online and on social media. And don’t even get me started on the rise of AI and deep fakes — it will only get harder to identify if something is real and trustworthy. That’s why media literacy and critical reading skills are so important.
33. People really aren’t spending that much time thinking about or judging you. In all likelihood, they’re so caught up in their own lives, challenges, deadlines, worries, and appearance to pay yours any mind. And if you do feel judged or are being bullied, remember that you can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. All you have to focus on is if the type of tea you are (becoming) is what you like.
34. Creating is seasonal. Sometimes, you’ll be producing a poem a day, working hard on a manuscript, or feel extremely invested in your writing. Other times, you’ll be depressed, or stressed, or unmotivated. Those are fallow periods, and the creativity will return.
35. Stay curious. It makes life interesting and fun. You’ll never know everything — there’s always something new to learn.

What else would you add? I’m all ears.